(Tom Meltzer)

If my life was a movie I'd want to be Jackie Chan
Cause humor grace and honor are the marks of a man
My fights would all be glorious, my smile would melt girls' hearts
I'd be the toast of Hong Kong, my songs would top the charts

But I am what I am and that's all I am
That's all I can stand cause I can't stands no more

If my life was a silent film I'd want to be Buster Keaton
I'd embrace the blues and in the process I'd defeat them
I'd have no fight with gravity, I'd do just as I please
I'd tumble down each flight of stairs with the greatest of ease
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CHORUS

If my life was a cartoon I'd want to be the Popeye the Sailor
I'd have a damsel in distress and I would never fail her
I'd mutter something clever then I'd knock Bluto cold
I'd be a one-eyed mumbling crazy thug with a heart of gold

And all my problems would be solved because I eat my greens
My life it would be measured out in well-constructed scenes
I'd have drama without tragedy, anger without pain
Love without loneliness, hey, I would not complain

CHORUS