Adam Sandler The Hypnotist Lyrics:
[typing sounds]
[Dr. Stewart:] Hi, [I'm] Dr. Stewart. [Gary
Phelps:] Hi, Dr. Stewart. Nice to meet you -- I'm
Gary Phelps. [Dr. Stewart:] My pleasure. Gary,
have you ever been hypnotized before? [Gary
Phelps:] No, I haven't. I'm actually quite
nervous, but I just, uh, I -- [Dr. Stewart:] All
right, and you were referred to me by anyone...?
[Gary Phelps:] To be honest with you, I saw your
name in the Yellow Pages, and It said you're good
at this stuff, so I just, I gotta give it a shot,
just kick this whole cigarette thing... [Dr.
Stewart:] So smoking is your problem? [Gary
Phelps:] Yeah, I can't stop smoking and it's --
it's finally, like, affecting everything I do, I
can't run, I can't play basketball and all that
stuff like that, so I, I gotta give it up. [Dr.
Stewart:] How long have you smoked, Gary? [Gary
Phelps:] Uh, I started when I was eleven years
old, and I just can't kick it, you know?

[Dr. Stewart:] Yeah, right. [small, barely
noticeable fart]
All right, Gary, why don't you just have a seat
here and sit down and just relax -- what I do is
hypnosis. [Gary Phelps:] Right. [Dr. Stewart:]
Basically I just want you to sit back and relax --
let yourself sit back and relax and sink into the
chair, and , um, just feel comfortable and trust
me.

[bigger fart]
[Gary Phelps: noticing fart sound] Uh... [Dr.
Stewart:] That's it. [Gary Phelps:] O-kay.... [Dr.
Stewart:] That's it. [Gary Phelps:] That
was...o-kay... [Dr. Stewart:] All right? Okay.
Gary, I want you to close your eyes, and I just
want you to again relax and try to concentrate on
nothing. Okay? That's it. Now I'm gonna count
backwards from five to zero -- [Gary Phelps:]
Right. [Dr. Stewart:] -- and I just want you to
relax, and you're going to fall into a deep state
of mind -- of subconsciousness -- you're very
comfortable, I'll be counting back from five, I
just want you to relax, and just think of nothing.
[three farts in succession]
[Gary Phelps:] Are you gonna keep doing that,
or...? [Dr. Stewart:] Hmm? Just concentrate now.
That's it. Close your eyes. Keep your eyes closed.
Okay. Now. We're very comfortable. Five [small
fart] , we're thinking of nothing except being
comfortable and nothing's bothering us. Okay. When
I say the word "relax," listen to me, you're
sinking, you're sinking, [medium fart]
[Gary Phelps:] Oh my god...that was, uh....are you
gonna keep doing that? [Dr. Stewart:] Please just
try to relax; that wasn't me. Okay. You're very
stressed -- you're very stressed. Okay, four,
we're relaxing, we're relaxing, you're very
comfortable, you're very, very soothed. Okay.
Four, three... [fart]
[Gary Phelps:] Oh my dear god, sir...uh, I
can't... [Dr. Stewart:] That was the couch. I know
it sounded like -- it's -- the vinyl -- it's a new
couch -- please, just try and concentrate. Okay.
And we're very sleepy, we're relaxed, thinking
nothing bothers us, nothing bothers us -- [several
farts]
[Gary Phelps:] Uh, um, all right, could you open a
window, maybe? I'm just having a tough time
concentrating -- [Dr. Stewart:] Hmm? Here we go --
there, there, we're relaxing, we're relaxing [fart
and cough together] three, two, two -- [Gary
Phelps:] I was just going to ask you if you could
maybe stop doing that. I can't concentrate when
you're doing that. [Dr. Stewart:] This is what I
do. It's a counting-down thing. We're relaxing
now. Just relax -- let it go, don't focus on
anything else, just concentrate on what we're
doing here. Three, two, relax, relax, that's it,
just relax [fart] , we're relaxing now -- [Gary
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Phelps:] Okay -- you're gonna -- that one was --
it's getting a little irritating -- [Dr. Stewart:]
Hang on just a second here. Let me just step out a
second here. [Gary Phelps:] That'd be good. [Dr.
Stewart:] All right, and we're relaxing, as I
leave, we're relaxing, still relaxing, [fart in
the distance]
[Gary Phelps:] Jesus...Oh my God. [Dr. Stewart:]
We're relaxing. [Gary Phelps: trying hard not to
laugh]
[Dr. Stewart:] Okay, I'm back, we're relaxing, and
we're counting down, we're to two, and all we're
thinking about is healthy, fresh air. Freshness.
Breathing in. Breathing in deep, letting out.
[fart]
[Gary Phelps:] Sir, I'd appreciate if you could
stop 'letting it out'. But okay, okay, fine, thank
you. [Dr. Stewart:] That's it, you're all right,
everything's good. All right, you feel very
comfortable, you're sinking into the chair, we're
relaxing, one [long fart] , and we're coming down
to zero and -- [Gary Phelps:] Oh my god, uh...yes,
all right, it was nothing... [Dr. Stewart:] No,
no, that time that was you. [Gary Phelps:] That
wasn't me!

[Dr. Stewart: We're not here to pick sides, we're
not here to pick sides, that was you, and maybe we
could deal with this in another session, but right
now we're dealing with the smoking, and, um, let's
not worry about anything else that's going down --
[Gary Phelps: OK, I've just gotta kick this habit.
[Dr. Stewart: Down to zero, relaxing, we're going
to feel very fresh [fart] , we're going to feel
very healthy [fart] , and let's take a nice, deep
breath -- [Gary Phelps: I can't breathe, sir, uh,
I'm sorry, I just -- ["squirty" fart]
[Gary Phelps: Oh my god -- what did you eat? It
smells like baby food --

[Dr. Stewart:] All right, we're relaxing -- that
one probably squirted out a little into the pants,
but we'll just continue with thte floating [fart]
-- yeah, that was definitely a squirt -- but here
we go, one, zero, we are under. Are you relaxed?
[Gary Phelps:] Yeah, I'm under, I guess. [Dr.
Stewart:] Here we go, relaxing, relaxing. You're
under a deep trance, you will not smoke anymore,
you will just feel healthy from now on, and you'll
be breathing in nothing but fresh air, and you
will not smell anything in this room, it wasn't
me, it wasn't me farting [fart] -- that was not me
-- [Gary Phelps: hysterically laughing under his
breath]
You're gonna have to stop doing that, sir. It's
just very hard for me to listen to you when you're
-- [Dr. Stewart:] You're floating now, you're high
above, you're looking down, nothing but fresh
pastures and fields, and here we go [long fart]
[Gary Phelps:] Oh man... [Dr. Stewart:] -- that
was you, [Gary Phelps:] That was not me, sir! I'm
watching you! [Dr. Stewart:] That was you, and
when you wake up, you will not remember any of
this, except that it was you, or my receptionist,
don't worry, she gets it all the time. All right
-- you smell nothing; I'm perfectly clean. I have
no bad gas; it was all from outside or from --
from -- you yourself. And let's not forget the
smoking thing that's why you're here. No smoking.
Repeat after me: I am a smelly pig. [Gary Phelps:]
What? [Dr. Stewart:] All right, we're moving
along, and we;'re relaxed. [fart]
All right, and now we're going to count back up,
up one to five, [Gary Phelps:] OK, you know, I
think this is fine, I don't want to smoke... [Dr.
Stewart:] Gary, settle down, relax, and when I get
to five, you will snap out of this, and you won't
remember this, especially the smell, the smell was
from you. All right? And here we go. Zero, we're
coming out of it, you're waking up slowly, your
eyes are opening, one, you're feeling good, and
when you wake up, you'll feel wide awake and
perfect you'll feel whole and [fart] all-righty, I
ripped that one out there and I apologize. I
ripped a good one there. That was a nice out..
[Gary Phelps:] That was not nice. [Dr. Stewart:]
Here we go, and, we're coming right [fart]
[Gary Phelps:] What was that? [Dr. Stewart:] That
was three. [Gary Phelps:] It didn't sound like
three. [Dr. Stewart:] three, I'm counting, and
four, it's no smell in here, and you don't smoke,
you don't want a cigarette, no, and here we go
[fart] five, and -- [snap]
Do you want a cigarette? [Gary Phelps:] No I
don't. [Dr. Stewart:] Then my job is done. [Gary
Phelps: bursts into laughter]
[Dr. Stewart: fart] Please leave the door open as
you leave. [fart]
[Gary Phelps:] OK, thank you, Doctor.

[typing resumes and another fart is heard]
Lyrics: The Hypnotist, Adam Sandler [end]