From Bette Midler's Live At Last CD I was in the
woods last night with my boyfriend Ernie, and he
said to me "Soph",(he always called me
Soph),he said to me "Soph, these woods sure
are dark I sure wish I had a flash light", I
said to him "so do I Ernie. You have been
munching grass for the last ten minutes." I
will never forget it. It was on the occasion of
Ernie's eightieth birthday and in honor of the
occasion he married a twenty year old girl. And he
rang me up the very next day and he said to me
"Soph, Soph, I have just married myself a
twenty year old girl, what do you think of
that". And I said to him "Ernie when I
am eighty years old I shall marry myself a twenty
year old boy, and let me tell you something Ernie
twenty goes into eighty a hell of a lot more than
eighty goes into twenty." I was in bed last
night with my boyfriend Ernie, and he said to me
"Soph, you got no tits and a tight box".
I said to him "Ernie get off my back."
From Bette Midler's Mud Will Be Flung Tonight CD I
Will never forget it you know. I was in bed one
night with my boyfriend Ernie he began combing his
hair there was a great shower of dandruff all
about the bed. I said to him "Ernie what's
that?" he said to me "Soph those are the
snows of Kilamanjaro". He leaped from the bed
he ran to the loo I could hear him through the
door relieving himself violently (swish, swish,
swish, swish) I said to him "Ernie what the
hell is that?" he said to me "Soph those
are the rains of Ronjapoor". He leaped from
the bed, he ran back to bed, no he leaped from the
loo he ran back to the bed, he leaped from the
bed, he ran out the window, that's not right
either, a humongous dick that wants to reach out
and touch someone imagine that, he ran back from
the loo, what happened then ah yes of course I hit
a blank spot. On his way back from the loo he had
dare I say an attack of flatulates, how could I
forget that. He had an attack of flatulates (pbbt)
the cheese was cut. I said to him "Ernie what
the hell is that?" he said to me "Soph
those are the winds of Crackatoa." That was
enough for me I jumped into my clothes I was out
the door like a like a shot. I could hear him
Find more similar lyrics on http://mp3lyrics.com/t9Lcalling me from down the road. "Where are you
going? What's wrong?" I said who can fuck in
this weather." I will never forget it you
know. Doorbell rang the other day I answered the
door there was a delivery boy there, a delivery
boy there with two dozen roses. I grabbed the card
and I opened it it said love, from your boyfriend
Ernie. I was having tea with my girlfriend
Clementine at the time I said "Clementine do
you know what this means. For the next two weeks
I'm going to be flat on my back with my legs wide
open". "Clementine says to me what's the
matter with you ain't you got a vas." I will
never forget it you know. Yet another cutting the
cheese joke. Listen to how I make it my own. I
will never forget it you know. It was my honeymoon
with my boyfriend Ernie we were on the Silvercheif
we had a car all to ourselves when suddenly I cut
the cheese. Ernie said "Oh my God, Soph is
that you", "did you just fart", I
said of course I did you think I always smell like
this." I will never forget it you know. For
the longest time I didn't wear no underwear. Used
to drive my boyfriend Ernie absolutely batty that
I didn't wear no underwear. One day I caught a
terrible cold, Ernie said to me "Soph you've
got to go see the doctor I said alright, make an
appointment for me." So he rang up the doctor
but unbeknownst to me this is what he told the
doctor. "Doc I'm sending Soph over, she got a
terrible cold but that's not the problem, the
problem is she don't wear no underwear, tell her
she got this cold on the count of she don't wear
no underwear you got that." "Right
o" says the doctor so I like a Schmuck trot
on down to the doctor's office the doctor said
"Soph open your mouth and say Ah" I open
my mouth I said "Ah" he looked down my
throat he said "Soph, you ain't wearin no
underwear", I said "I beg your pardon
doctor?" he said to me "Soph you ain't
wearin no underwear" I said "doctor you
can look down my throat and see I ain't wearin no
underwear" he said "that's right
Soph" I said "doc do me a favor, look up
my ass and tell me if my hat's on straight."