Bif Naked T.V. Baby Lyrics:
I am a t.v. baby it's weird when you stop and
think about it. "Donna Martin graduates!
Donna Martin graduates!" Totally different
head...nanoo nanoo. REEAAAAAAAR!! 911! I remember
watching Harvey Corman the Carol Brunett show from
behind the couch where my parent sat. I was
supposed to be in bed. Once we were old enough to
complain and whine about hind????????? every
Sunday night, we had popcorn and watched the
Muppet Show in the living room. You know, my t.v.
is wortha a million dollars. Why I call it my
"Million dollar t.v."? This is because
When I was 20 years old I had a day job, a
skateboard and a band. But no savings account. I
couldn't ask my parents for money it wasn't an
emergency. My roomate told me to go to this
certain rent to own company. It's like 20 bucks a
month for a t.v.! Unreal! So I went and picked out
a cute 12 inch colour t.v. and walked home with it
that day. I got a remote control unit, and I
ordered cable. Life was amazing! Before work in
the morning I could watch the To day Show I
remember when Bryant announced to the viewing
audience that Katie got caps on her teeth! He
busted her right on t.v.! Can you believe that?
After I came home from work, I'd leave the t.v.
off until I got into the kitchen, made a cup of
coffee or tea with like 4 sugars, got my
cigarettes; 100s matches; wooden and took a seat
in front of the television and turned on some talk
shows! This is the life! I used to think. I didn't
even own a bicycle or any transportation. I got my
skateboard deck out of the garbage and got trucks
and risers for free! Why one of the wheels was
practically square! I had tofu hot-dogs in the
fridge , and milk and diet soda and that was it.
No new clothes just ratty t-shirts and jeans and
stuff. I had minimal shoes--no makeup but soap,
and, uh, no furniture. But FUCK! Did I have a
beautiful t.v.! I'd watch it while I ate supper
and then 'till I left for band rehearsal. After
that, I get home late and go to sleep cause I'd
wake up at 7 to go to work. This was my routine It
was the greatest. I was truly blessed with my
little t.v. and adored it. I put hello kitty
stickers all over it and the remote. It was
beautiful. I would get a bill in the mail every
month. I mostly paid them on time cause I could go
downtown to the rent to own store and hand them my
payment. How convenient! As the last 6 years went
by, my t.v. saw me through 7 apartments, 4
boyfriends, 2 bands, 1 job--my same job for 5
years and 10 tours--and 1 fuckin' asshole at the
credit bureau. Here's what happened: because even
though I was often getting late on my payments.
This Rent to Own stuff was you know, giving me, a
credit rating. I started getting all these credit
card applications in the mail. "What
luck!" I got a visa card pronto. I bought
Dickie's engineering overalls--the first thing I
bought. The second thing, of course, was some
shoes. The third, of course, was dinner for a
boyfriend. This is the life! Then I got a Bay
card, Then I got a Holt Renfrew card. I got a
fuschia Perry Ellis, hockey sized duffel bag for
touring. I got Elizabeth Arden products for
touring, I got M.A.C makeup and lots of clothes
[ Find more Lyrics on http://mp3lyrics.org/unr ]
for touring. Then I went on tour! Life on the road
got good! That van never smelled better! Then,
while we were on tour in a strange city at
soundcheck, we get a phone call from the chick
whose place we crashed at that she got broken
into. We went back there. All that got stolen was
my pink duffel bag with all my new clothes and
girly panties and shower gels and you name it!
Everyone else had their punk rock bags and
t-shirts and stuff left alone. Just me..the
girl..the girl with the shiny pink bag. The
policeman at precinct 51 were awesome. They made a
report and I even got a real police shirt they
felt sorry for me cause all I was left with was
the dress on my back. The other band we played
with on the bill last night, the singer, Leslie
and the Mary-Anne lady who ran the bar donated
some dresses and panties and makeup and stuff. I
was glad it was me that was robbed and not one of
my band guys I mean I still have my day-job and I
still had credit cards I'm glad the van wasn't
stolen. I mean, it was just me. I was bawling when
I phoned my manager long-distance, don't get me
wrong! But I had to get over it quickly. Because I
was my own tour manager so I couldn't be a baby. I
mean, I still had to get a meal buy-out out of the
club-owner that night. You know, the show must go
on! But my point is, everything i mean, EVERYTHING
in that duffel bag and the bag itself was a credit
card purchase. I figured I was shown lessons. It
gave me alot to think about. By the time I got off
the tour and luckily went back to my day-job, my
bills were all piling up. I couldn't keep up! My
credit cards were all maxed. and I had no cash. I
couldn't even eat. I was fucked. The credit guy
called at my work and asked if I was stupid. He
said that him and his cronies were going to wait
for me at my house. I was crying and freaked out.
He was a legit bill collector too! Phone to freak
me out..and he did! So I phoned home and I figured
out I had to get my dad to co-sign a loan so I
could consolidate my debts. bag itself was a
credit card purchase. I figured I was shown
lessons. It gave me alot to think about. By the
time I got off the tour and luckily went back to
my day-job, my bills were all piling up. I
couldn't keep up! My credit cards were all maxed.
and I had no cash. I couldn't even eat. I was
fucked. The credit guy called at my work and asked
if I was stupid. He said that him and his cronies
were going to wait for me at my house. I was
crying and freaked out. He was a legit bill
collector too! Phone to freak me out..and he did!
So I phoned home and I figured out I had to get my
dad to co-sign a loan so I could consolidate my
debts. Which brings me to my million dollar t.v.
So my t.v., my beautiful t.v. was about 20 bucks a
month. I think it was about a 400 dollar t.v.
remember it was a 12 inch. So, you'd think it
would be paid off in about in less than 2 years.
Here's the snag. Out of my 20 dollar month payment
like a buck 50 would go to my actual purchase! Can
you believe that? So even though over three years,
I paid like 700 bucks...It wasn't paid off. FUCK
ME! Needles to say, my t.v. was included in my
bill consolidation. That's when I dubbed it my
million dollar t.v. I got rid of all those credit
cards, well, except for one for emergencies and
got rid of my bill collectors. I have my own
apartment now, lost my day job to touring. I have
a stereo and a GT BMX and I go to the gym. But
more important than anything. I have my t.v.--my
million dollar t.v. with the hello kitty stickers
all over it..still have it! I watch Rosie, The
X-files, Baywatch, sometimes I turn the telephone
off so I can watch The Nanny! I don't have a
routine except hmm..Sunday night when I watch the
Community Cable Channel for the Italia t.v. and
soccer report. Or hockey night in Canada or CBC on
Saturday morning for "Fashion File".
T.v. is still really fun. I'm addicted, I guess.
Life is still amazing. and I still love my million
dollar t.v. and I truly, truly am a T.V. baby.
Lyrics: T.V. Baby, Bif Naked [end]