Tom: I'm going to come back and I'm going to start
a therapeutic massage center only for for... Mark:
I'm going to start my own nudist colony Tom: That
would be grose, you tried that in our bus one time
Mark: I tried to start our own nudist colony in
our bus and it was pretty much just me hanging out
naked, they love you Tom Tom: They love me so fuck
everybody else Mark: Yea fuck all you guys out
there that are cheering, yea we hate you Tom you
suck dick burn in hell Tom: Yea fuck that, hey I
say I say fuck the hating Tom thing that's what I
say, are we ready Mark Mark: You know what it is
you know what it is a lot of these people are just
now hopping on the we hate Tom bandwagon, like
I've been hating tom since like 1995 I'm old
school hating Tom guy alright Tom: Oh shit, hey
let's all say some dirty words, everybody say
fuck, everybody say shit, everyone say dick,
everyone say Mark's an ass hole Mark: Everyone
say, everyone say we hate Mark, yea Tom: Hey now
let's do this one, everyone say fuck fuck shit
fuck, that's the kind of words you should be using
at home kids Mark: That's right Tom: What do we do
now Mark: I want everyone to call me an ass hole
again Tom: What's up I like your hair it's very
nice Mark: You like his hair oh cool thanks he
probably appreciates that a lot Tom: I wanted to
say I liked your but but I thought that was to
foward you know Mark: Hey this next song is for
all the ladies in the hezouse, hea he it's for all
the ladies in the heoueoueouze Tom: Mark! Mark:
What Tom: Shut the fuck up Mark: It's for all the
ladies in the houaeiouze, weee. Hey you know what
hang on I want to make this like a Tom: (belch)
exuse me Mark: Exuse Tom Tom: Sorry Mark: I want
to make this like a big golf tournimant everyone
shut up everybody just clap like it's a golf
tourniment Tom: That's what it sounds like when I
get done having sex, 15,000 people cheering me on,
I could take all of you in my bed right fucking
now, but you're not invited Mark. You have got
giant boobs and I doubt you're 18, do you have a
note from your mom, I want to meet your mom...
Mark: Hey put those 13 year old boobs away, if I
wanted to see 13 year old boobs I'd hang out by
the Junior high like my dad like my dad does Tom:
Hey you know what I learned in fifth grade Mark:
What's that your dad has a bent weiner Tom: My
dad's weiner was bigger than mine then and still
is Mark: I want everyone here to scream, fuck you
Tom,we fucking hate you you're going to burn in
hell and die a horrible firery death cause' we
hate you stupid pieces of shit Tom: I heard that
Mark: Thanks Tom: You want to give me your shirt,
this smells like blood and feces, dinner time ok
what does this say here Mark: It smells like blood
and feces, so it's your dad's shirt Tom: Hey uh
just like every other band we believe in a safe
form of sex don't we Mark, that we do so Mark's
going to tell you about how safe we are Mark: Let
me tell you about the safest form of sex, it's
when you get super drunk and you have sex with
like ten people totally unprotected and you do
intravenous drugs at the same time, no it's not
true Tom: It's not true you have to carry a
weapon. How many of you guys have girlfreinds and
how many of your girlfriends have guy friends, I
hope you're not having sex Mark: And more
importanly how many of your girlfriends have
girlfriends Tom: Cause' we believe in the love
that exists between two vaginas Mark: The most
special kind of love of all is the love that
exists between two naked women while I watch Tom:
We need her to put her shirt back on Mark: Please
Tom: It just took away my boner, my boner just
died, I had one and now it's gone Mark: Please I
saw your boobs and my wiener ran away. Hey hey
hang on everyone everyone seriously I need your
attention for just a second please, I think
somebody lost a contact down here so everyone look
around a contact lense hey someone lost a contact
lense so uh... Tom: I lost my virinity Mark: Keep
an I out for it Tom: I lost a testacle, hey what
if testacles were things you could lose on a
everyday basis that would suck, you've only got
three, hey I've got to go pee pee Mark: Do you
want to go pee and I'll talk to the kids for a
second Tom: Do you think you can talk for enough
time Mark: No uh uh Tom: Why don't you gather your
thoughts Mark: Why don't you just wet your pants
and we'll call it even Tom: Should I just piss in
my pants right here, if you guys all pitch in a
dollar each I'll piss my pants right here now,
that should pay me about two-hundred bucks maybe
Mark: I'll give you three-hundred dollars to piss
Find more similar lyrics on http://mp3lyrics.com/v1Oyour pants right now Tom: I'll give you
four-hundred bucks to eat my shit Mark: Sold Tom:
Sold, apparently there's a kid that's hurt right
now and I think they're helping them out right
now, it looks like they're right there Mark: Make
a hole people make a hole Tom: All you people over
there make way for the hurt kid and bring me their
wallet Mark: I wish now you know let me tell you
guys something... Tom: I'm gay! Mark: There's
thousands and thousands of people here today
there's like semis and fucking buses and multiple
bands and all kinds of shit, I wish now I would
have taken bass lessons, sorry sorry Tom: So do I,
I wish you did too Mark: I'm thinking for
Christmas this year I'm going to ask for lessons
Tom: I know a guy, he has sex with his sister, he
used his dick to pop her four foot blister, and I
know it's not that cool, he fucked her in my
swimming pool, he's got three testacles, and he
loves to do shit, fuck yea. Hey how come every
time we say a joke it has to be about fucking sex
masturbation insest, or anything grose like that
you know Mark: Is there anything else in the world
Tom: There's nothing else to talk about Mark: Hey
can you help that little girl out of there she's
not having so much fun right now, hey Tom: Uh
exuse me, security guard sir Mark: The one right
in front of you, yea Tom: Yea that girl right
there needs to come out, if you're a small person
the front is not the best view, and if you hate
seeing shitty bands any of this is not a good
view, this whole everything every seat here.
Mark's middle name is Rebecca, they thought he was
a... Mark: That's right, my middle names Rebecca
because my dad wanted a girl, he treats me like
one Tom: I still have to go pee and I'm holding it
in still, I'll piss my pants though for money,
I'll eat a nugget of my own poop for twenty bucks,
I'll pay you twenty bucks and I'll eat it Mark:
You shave your ass Tom: You have hair on nothing
but your balls, Mark has no hair on his whole body
but a fucking wolverine growning in his pants, I
swear to God, it's got teeth and shit Mark: It's
true Tom: He's got a scary looking penis Mark:
It's true I need your tax deductable donations for
the shave Mark's balls program, please Tom: It's
for charity kids Mark: Please send what you can,
donate your time Tom: You guys think that we're
touring for our own, no this is a charity tour for
Mark's balls Mark: We're trying to raise enough
money to shave my nuts, please give generously
Tom: There's no metal strong enough to be the
teeth on any kind of electric shaver, what do we
do now, oh I need a new guitar Mark: We need a new
guitar, we need a new guitarist, any one out there
play guitar Tom: Does anybody know how to play
guitar cause' I'm not very good, people don't
really respect me Mark: If I were a girl, every
time I went to the gynecologist, I'd fake an
orgasm Tom: Bad kids Mark: Bad christmas spirit
Tom: Bad christmas spirit Mark: Hey ok I need
light now Tom: We're going to point out every
single person that didn't sing Mark: Santa Claus
is going to come to your house and shit under all
your trees Tom: Santa Claus is going to come rape
your dogs, Oh God you know what I'm kind of
ashamed of being myself today, and yesterday and
the day before that, not really pround of who I am
or how I look. Any one have one of those days were
you don't even really like what you're wearing,
you know, you don't like how your hair looks, and
kind of bumed about how your penis is so small and
bent and wierd. That is the ugliest but I have
ever seen. Let's hear it for not wiping! And this
guy fuck wiping dude, brings down the rain forest.
Ok this is a song I wrote... Mark: That guy has a
science fair project up his ass Tom: Uh what
head's up seven up, everyone close your eyes and
if I come by and if I come by and put my finger in
you but than you're the one. I think that Satan
has a couple of comments: Well kids it's been a
really fun show, and I want you all to know that
we'll come back soon, but before I go I want to
say I think Tom is extemely good looking and all
the girls out there should think he's good
looking. Tom has one of the best butts that I've
ever seen, shimi shimi coco puff shimi shimi right
shimi shimi coco puff. Does anybody here want to
sleep with me. I'm really a nice guy, it's really
not Satan... It's me it's not Satan let's all be
happy he's not here say fuck Satan

Alright I'm out of jokes and out of songs, I think
we're done.