[Lyrics with no parentheses indicate a solo, sung.]
[Lyrics in single parentheses indicate 1st male patron, speaking.]
[Lyrics in double parentheses indicate 2nd male patron, speaking.]

I used to come here everyday,
(I'll have the usual. Uh, make it a triple.)
And to the porcelain god I'd pray.
(Oh, dear God, please not again!)
I was butt-faced constantly,
That was the life for me.
Now, I sit and watch as beers go by.
(Uh, could I get another Club Soda, please?)

My newfound lifestyle really stinks.
(Hey, you know what? Make it a Shirley Temple instead.)
I only order virgin drinks.
(Miss, you think you could do this without the umbrellas?)
And I really miss the sound,
Of throwing up and falling down.
I sit and watch as beers go by.

(You know, my lawyer says in a fewenter deleted
months my insurance willenter added
go down.enter deleted
You know, which is kinda nice.enter deleted
And, you know I amenter added
saving a lot of money.enter deleted
And on top of that,enter deleted
I haven't wokenenter added
up with an ugly woman in like eight months.enter deleted
Kind of a niceenter added
benefit, you know?enter deleted
So I got a lot going for me now. I think,enter added
you know?)

I miss the things I used to do,
I miss my brew.
I sit watch as beers go by.

((Man you used to be a lot of fun. What happened?))

(Nothing happened. Why don't you go bug somebody else, okay?)

[Key:
(Spoken by Male #1.)
((Spoken by Male #2.)
No parentheses=Sung.]