All spoken, except where noted. Sound effects shown in parentheses.{1}

Hi there, nice to be with you,
Happy you could stick around.
Like to introduce, "Legs" Larry Smith, drums.
(Drums are played.
And, Sam Spoons, rhythm pole.
(Jangling is added.)
And, Vernon Dudley Bohay-Nowell, bass guitar,
(A bass guitar is added.)
And, Neil Innes, piano.
(A piano is added.)
Come in, Rodney Slater, on the saxophone,
(A saxophone is added.)
With, Roger Ruskin Spear, on tenor sax.
(A tenor saxophone is added.)
Hi, Vivian Stanshall, trumpet.
(A trumpet is added.)
Big hello to, big John Wayne, xylophone,
(A xylophone is played.)
And, Robert Morley, guitar.
(A guitar is played.)
Billy Butlin, spoons,
(Clacking spoons are played.)
And, looking very relaxed,
Adolf Hitler, on vibes. Nnnice!
(A vibraphone is played.)
Princess Anne, on sousaphone,
(A sousaphone is played.) Mmmmm.
Introducing, Liberace, clarinet,
(A clarinet is played.)
With, Garner "Ted" Armstrong on vocals.
(Singing is added:) Beep-doodly-ooobeedah-bee-bop.
Ooo-wee-ahh, ooo-wee-ahh.
Lord Snooty and his pals, tap dancing.
(Tapping is heard.)
In the groove with, Harold Wilson, violin,
(A violin is played.)
And, Franklin McCormack, on harmonica.
(A harmonica is played.)
Find more similar lyrics on http://mp3lyrics.com/nDqROver there, Eric Clapton, ukulele.
(A ukulele is played.) Hi Eric!
On my left, Sir Kennth Clark, bass sax.
(A bass saxophone is played.) A great honor, sir.
And specially flown in for us,
A session's gorilla, on vox humana.{2}
(Gorilla noises heard.)
Nice to see, Incredible Shrinking Man, on euphonium.{3}
(A euphonium is played.)
Drop out with, Peter Scott, on duck call.
(Quacking is heard.)
Hearing from you later, Casanova, on horn.
(A horn is played.) Yeah!
Digging, General de Gaulle, on accordion.
(An accordion is played.)
Really wild, General! Thank you, sir.
Roy Rogers, on Trigger.
(Sounds of water being poured are heard.)
Tune in, Wild Man of Borneo, on bongos.
(Bongo drums are heard.)
Count Basie Orchestra on triange.
(One "ding" of a triangel is heard.) Thank you.
Great to hear, the Rawlinsons, on trombone.
(A couple of trombones are heard.)
Back from his recent operation, Dan Druff, harp.
(A harp is plucked, but it sounds more like a washboard being scratched.)
And representing the flower people,
Quasimodo, on bells.
(An aspirated growl is heard.)
Wonderful to hear, Brainiac, on banjo.
(No sound is added for the banjo.)
We welcome, Val Doonican, as himself.
Val Doonican says: "Hullo there, hullo there."
Very appealing, Max Jaffa, mmm, that's nice, Max!
What a team, Zebra Kid and Horace Batchelor, on percussion.
(Various percussion noises are heard.)
And a great favorite, and a wonderful performer,
Of all of us here, J. Arthur Rank, on gong.
(A gong is heard.)
Fade.