Hey, everybody welcome out tonight
Hope you're having a good time out there
Don't forget about your waitresses and a coming up next
We got Sheena on the main stage

Athena on the disco and don't forget we got
Those recliner dancers in the back
Stick around and get those dollar bills out guys
And tip tip tip

Take it off, baby

Well, here's how this whole mess got started
Had a stripper at a bachelor party
I knew when she jumped out of that cake
We were meant to be

The next date we both flew off to Vegas
I must have been an ignoramus
I honestly believed that she
Loved me just for me

Oh, wasn't six months later it came to an end
I walked out of the courtroom crying
She left with a grin

'Cause she got half and I said, "Ow"
I mean dang that comes to nearly
Fifty thou per date
My butt had never been so chafed
'Cause she got half
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I wondered if I'd remain lonely
Or would I find my one and only
Then the answer to my prayers
Appeared on my TV
(Call me now)

The cutest little tarot card reader
I knew that I just had to meet her
Then she said it was in the cards
For her to marry me

Oh, wasn't three months later I was in court again
No way she could have predicted
The way that it would end

'Cause I got half and she said, "Ow"
Two dollars a minute, so everyone call right now
Your future awaits and I will be the next Bill Gates
'Cause I get half

Sometimes you're better off as friends
'Cause if it ever ends then they get half
And you'll say, "Ow"
So I'm not looking to get married right now

I've got a date
With a beautiful Playboy Playmate
Who won't get half
No, she won't get half