There ain't nothing more depressing than a pine tree
Gussied up candy canes and balls
Those carolers have kept me up for hours
It's Merry Christmas seeping through my walls
Now I'm no wiccan commie or nothing
But there's one damn holiday that I can't stand
It ain't Halloween or Thanksgiving or even April Fools
But it'll surely make a fool out of every man
HA

If I ain't drunk then it ain't Christmas
You know where to stick those jingle bells
If I ain't hammered it ain't hanukkah
And all you motherfuckers go to hell
If I ain't cockeyed then it Kwanzaa
Joy to the world and jack and coke
If I ain't drunk then it ain't Christmas
Cause I never anything but broke

Now every year the malls are just a madhouse
Full of empty pockets, thoughts and smiles
Find more similar lyrics on http://mp3lyrics.com/UklzJust the smell of Eggnog makes me vomit
And those colored lights are fucking infantile
I think we collectively as the people
Should rise against this corporate jolly noise
And tell the world:
"Let's buy some piece and quiet for a change"
Before we spend it all on fucking toys.
HA

So if I ain't drunk then it ain't Christmas
You know where to stick those jingle bells
If I ain't hammered it ain't hanukkah
Fa la la la la go fuck yourself!
If I ain't cockeyed it ain't Kwanzaa
Joy to the world of getting stoned
If I ain't drunk then it ain't Christmas
So leave this god damn scrooge the fuck alone.
HA

MERRY FUCKING CHRISTMAS!