Lyrics are recited in tempo.

Well, you can talk about your lovers,
And your back-door pimps.
You can talk about your Hollywood fags.
If you want to know the baddest,
Mother-fucker in the world,
Then I'm the greatest lover alive.

Jackie Onassis was a snuff queen for me,
Before she ever got rich.
And it would take an average man a day and a half,
Just to satisfy that bitch.
Why, the Queen of England gave me the keys,
To the whole damn country of France,
And it only took me fifteen minutes,
To get into her pants.

Well, I've fucked 'em all from coast to coast,
'Cause honey, that's my bag.
Fact, I'm the only guy in the world,
That can make Linda Lovelace gag.

Chorus of: Doot-doot-do's with guitar & kazoo accompaniment.

Now, it ain't that my dick's so goddamn big,
It's just that I know how to use it.
And I'll never let no nickle-dime whore,
Ever get the chance to abuse it.
They can suck it for hours and hours on end,
But I'll still be in control.
And I won't cum till I wanna cum,
'Cause that's my jelly-roll.

Now there ain't no woman, no match for me,
I've had 'em try to wear me down.
I've fucked them barmaids, and bank clerks,
I even fucked a circus clown.
Teachers and lawyers, doctors and more.
Them fat women sure are a drag.
I tell you I'm the only motherfucker in the world,
That can make Linda Lovelace gag.

Find more similar lyrics on http://mp3lyrics.com/H3IInstrumental break.

Well, old Harry Reams3 fell apart at the seams,
When he saw me fuck that whore.
She sucked my dick and swallowed my nuts,
And I still hollered for more.
She sucked my asshole, she sucked my toes,
She's the suckinest bitch alive.
I made her call up two more cunts,
And friend, and that's no jive.

She don't give me no shit,
'Bout being no big-time lover.
Some movie star with a jag.
'Cause you ain't shit if you can't get,
Linda lovelace to gag.

And don't talk about being no full-time lover,
'Cause mister, that's my bag.
I'm the only motherfucker in the damn world,
That can make Linda Lovelace gag.

More doot-doot-doo'ing.

(Take it boys.)

Instrumental till end.

I MADE LINDA LOVELACE GAG1
Written by: David Allan Coe
Performed by: David Allan Coe
Appears on: Nothing Sacred-1978 (Track 4)2 & 18 X-Rated Hits-1990
(Track 5).

1Sometimes called, "Linda Lovelace."

2Transcribed from the track on this album.

3Harry Reams was a porn star, with notoriously large "equipment," who
appeared in approximately 140 feature-length sexploitation and hardcore
films between 1971 and 1989, with Deep Throat (1972) and The Devil in
Miss Jones (1973) being the best known.