Guitar starts and Leary speaks during the intro:

Folks, I'd like to sing a song about the American Dream.
About me. About you. About the way our American hearts beat
way down in the bottom of our chests. About that special
feeling we get in the cockles of our hearts. Maybe below the
cockles. Maybe in the sub-cockle area. Maybe in the liver.
Maybe in the kidneys. Maybe even in the colon. We don't know.

Sung:
I'm just a regular joe with a regular job,
I'm your average white suburbanite slob.
I like football, and porno, and books about war.
I got an average house with a nice hardwood floor.
My wife, and my job, my kids, and my car.
My feet on my table, ((and a Cuban cigar)).

But sometimes that just ain't enough,
To keep a man like me interested.
(Oh, no), no way, (uh-uhh).
No, I've gotta go out and have fun,
At someone else's expense.
(Woh, yeah), yeah-yeah, ((yeah-yeah-yeah)).

I drive really slow in the ultra-fast lane.
/(Ah-ahh-ahh-ahhhh.)
While people behind me are going insane.
/(Ah-ahh-ahh-ahhhh.)

I'm an asshole.
(He's an asshole, what an asshole.)
/Ee-yo, ee-yo-dee-oh, ee-yo-dee-oh.
I'm an asshole.
(He's an asshole, such an asshole.)
/Ee-yo, bo-dee-yo, bo-dee-yo.

I use public toilets and I piss on the seat.
I walk around in the summertime sayin',
(("How about this heat?"))

I'm an asshole.
(He's an asshole, what an asshole.)
/Ee-yo, ee-yo-dee-oh, ee-yo-dee-oh.
I'm an asshole.
(He's the world's biggest asshole.)
/Ee-yo, bo-dee-yo, bo-dee-yo.

Sometimes I park in the handicapped spaces.
While handicapped people make handicapped faces.

I'm an asshole.
(He's an asshole, what an asshole.)
/Ee-yo, ee-yo-dee-oh, ee-yo-dee-oh.
I'm an asshole.
(He's a real fucking asshole.)
/blblblblblbl, yo-ee-yo.

(Maybe I shouldn't be singin' this song.)
(Ranting and raving and carrying on.)
(Maybe they're right when they tell me I'm wrong?)

Find more similar lyrics on http://mp3lyrics.com/dQeNAAAHHHHH!

I'm an asshole.
(He's an asshole, what an asshole.)
/Ee-yo, ee-yo-dee-oh, ee-yo-dee-oh.
I'm an asshole.
(He's the world's biggest asshole.)
/blblblblblblblblblblblblblbl.

Spoken over music:
You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna get myself a 1967
Cadilac El Dorado convertable. Hot pink! With a-whale-skin
hub caps and all leather, cow interior, and big, brown, baby
seal eyes for headlights. YEAH! And I'm gonna drive around
in that baby at 115 miles per hour, getting one mile per
gallon, sucking down Quarter Pounder cheeseburgers from
McDonalds in the old-fashioned non-biodegradable styrofoam
containers. And when I'm done suckin' down those grease-ball
burgers, I'm gonna wipe my mouth with the American flag and
then I'm gonna toss the styrofoam containers right out the
side. And there ain't a goddamn thing anybody can do about
it You know why? Because we got the bombs, that's why! Two
words: Nuclear Fuckin' Weapons. Okay!?

Russia, Germany, Romania, they can have all the democracy
they want. They can have a big democracy cake walk right
through the middle of Tienemen Square, and it won't make a
lick of difference. Because we got the bombs. Okay!?

John Wayne's not dead, he's frozen! And as soon as we find a
cure for cancer we're gonna thaw out "The Duke," And he's
gonna be pretty pissed off. You know why? Have you ever
taken a cold shower? Well, multiply that by 15 million
times. That's how pissed off "The Duke"'s gonna be. I'm
gonna get "The Duke," and John Cassavetes, and Lee Marvin,
(hey,) and Sam Peckinpah, (hey,) and a case of whiskey,
(hey,) and drive (hey,) down to (hey!)Texas, and... (HEY!)

(You know, you really are an asshole.)
Why don'tcha just shut-up and sing the song, pal?

Sung:
I'm an asshole.
(He's an asshole, what an asshole.)
/Ee-yo, ee-yo-dee-oh, ee-yo-dee-oh.
I'm an asshoooooooooole.
(He's the worlds biggest asshole.)

A - SS - HO - LE!
Everybody!!
((A - SS - HO - LE!))

Leary makes barking noises and other
obnoxious sound in time to the music.

(Ooo-woo.)

Spoken: I'm an asshole and I'm proud of it!

Chris mouths: Asshole.