Walkin’ like a millionaire, smilin’ like a king
He leaned his shopping cart against the wall
He said, "I been a lot of places and I seen a lot of things
But, sonny, I seen one thing that beats ’em all

I was flyin’ back from Lubbock, I saw Jesus on the plane
Or maybe it was Elvis, you know, they kinda look the same"
Hey, hey look out, Junior, you’re steppin’ on my bed
I said, "I don’t see nothin'", he just glared at me and said

"If dirt were dollars
If dirt were dollars
If dirt were dollars
I wouldn’t worry anymore", no

Lookin’ like a beauty queen, loyal as a wife
She raised her little voice and testified
She said, "I am a good girl, I’ve been one all my life"
But her virtue was as swollen as her pride

She should’ve had the Oscar, she must have been miscast
Her fifteen minutes went by so fast
I said, "Now, baby, have you got no shame?"
She just looked at me, uncomprehendingly like cows at a passing train

If dirt were dollars
If dirt were dollars
If dirt were dollars
I wouldn’t worry anymore, no
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We got the bully pulpit and the poisoned pen
We got a press no better than the public men
This brave new world, gone bad again

God’s finest little creatures looking brave and strong
Whistling past the graveyard, nothing can go wrong
Quoting from the scriptures with patriotic tears
We got the same old men with the same old fears

Standing at attention wrapped in stars and stripes
They hear the phantom drummers and the nonexistent pipes
These days the buck stops nowhere, no one takes the blame
But evil is still evil in anybody’s name

If dirt were dollars
If dirt were dollars
If dirt were dollars
We’d all be in the black

If dirt were dollars
If dirt were dollars
If dirt were dollars
I wouldn’t worry anymore, no

If dirt were dollars
If dirt were dollars
If dirt were dollars