I'll tell you a story, believe me it's true a tale
you'd best hope never happens to you old spicy
mcHaggis, how he met his fate you I can save, but
for him it's too late

Spicy was big, burly and strong his pipes were
gigantic, and so was his schlong from city to city
running around looking for chicks over four
hundred pounds

One night at the pub a girl caught his eye big as
a house, just the right size the broad was
enormous, stacked to the hilt spicy soon noticed a
bulge in his kilt the piper delivered his best
pick-up line thought to himself, "this beast is
all mine" the portly young lady could stand for no
more grabbed his cojones and went for the door
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They got to her house and dimmed all the lights
Spicy was in for one hell of a night he said that
he loved her, he'd always be true "But Mr.
McHaggis, I've only just met you!!"

By now he saw double through his drunken eyes
neither had looks or appropriate size he came to
his sense, thought to himself, "At this time of
night I won't find nothing else" he took off his
shirt, she lifted her skirt, they pulled out his
unit and stared to play she asked for a glove, he
gave her a shove, had baby McHaggis nine months
to-the-day.

Three packs a day, he'll smoke 'til he dies Spicy
McHaggis, one hell of a guy!