Frank Zappa Wet T-Shirt Nite Lyrics:
Frank Zappa (lead guitar, vocals) Warren Cucurullo
(rhythm guitar, vocals) Denny Walley (slide
guitar, vocals) Ike Willis (lead vocals) Peter
Wolf (keyboards) Tommy Mars (keyboards) Arthur
Barrow (bass, vocals) Ed Mann (percussion) Vinnie
Colaiuta (drums) Jeff (tenor saxophone) Marginal
Chagrin (baritone saxophone) Stumuk (bass
saxophone) Dale Bozzio (vocals) Al Malkin (vocals)
Craig Steward (harmonica)

After a few weeks on the bus, being porked by
Toad-O's road crew, and being too exhausted to do
their laundry on a regular basis, MARY is dumped
in Miami. With no money (and no other famous rock
groups due into the area for at least three
weeks), she tries to pick up a few bucks by
entering the Wet T-shirt contest at The
Brasserie...

Ike: Looks to me like something funny Is going on
around here People laughin' 'n' dancin' 'n' payin'
Entirely too much for their beer And they all
think they are Clean outa-site And they're ready
to party 'Cause the sign outside says it's WET
T-SHIRT NITE 'N' they all crave some Hot delight
Well the girls are excited Because in a minute
They're gonna get wet 'N' the boys are delighted
Because all the titties Will get 'em upset 'N'
they all think they are Reety-awright 'N' they're
ready to boogie 'Cause the sign outside says it's
WET T-SHIRT NITE 'N' they all crave some Pink
delight When the water gets on 'em Their ninnies
get rigid 'N' look pretty bold It's a common
reaction That makes an attraction Whenever it's
cold 'N' all of the fellas They wish they could
bite On the cute little nuggets The local girls
are showin' off tonite You know I think it serves
'em right You know I think it serves 'em right You
know I think it serves 'em right You know I think
it serves 'em right And it's WET T-SHIRT TIME
AGAIN I know you want someone to show you some
tit! BIG ONES! WET ONES! BIG WET ONES!

At this point, FATHER RILEY (who had been recently
de-frocked for not meeting his quota, and has
grown his hair out and bought a groovy sport coat
and moved to Miami and changed his name to BUDDY
JONES) steps onto the crowded bandstand in his
exciting new role as a WET T-SHIRT CONTEST
EMCEE...

Buddy Jones: Ah, thanks, IKE... Yes, it's WET
T-shirt TIME AGAIN Here at the Brasserie... Home
of THE TITS...huh huh... And it's the charming
Mary from Canoga Park Up next in her bid for the
semi-finals... Hi, Mary...howya doin'?

Having been fucked senseless by the boys in the
crew, MARY does not recognize the former religious
personage from her nights in the rectory basement
during which she acquired her basic manual
skills...confounded by his sport coat, she
replies...

Mary: Hi!

[ Find more Lyrics on http://mp3lyrics.org/VK8 ]
Realizing that she no longer recognizes him...or
even appreciates the patient religious training he
had given her in the past, BUDDY JONES, like a
true WET T-SHIRT EMCEE type person, proceeds to
say various stupid things to waste time, making
the contest itself take longer, thereby giving the
mongoloids squatting on the dance floor an
opportunity to buy more exciting
beverages...liquid products that will expand their
consciousnesses to the point whereby they might
more fully enjoy the ambiance of Miami By Night...

Buddy Jones: Where ya from?

Mary: Ah, the bus...

Buddy Jones: Which one?

Mary: You know...the last tour... You
know...Leather

Buddy Jones: Oh...you were the girl stuck to seat
38 Phydeaux III... why don't you get in position
and take a deep breath, because this water is
very, very cold, but it's goin' to be so
stimulating. And Mary's the kind of Red- Blooded
American Girl who'll do anything...

Mary: Anything...

Buddy Jones: I said anything...for fifty bucks
That's right!

Mary: I really need the fifty bucks you know I
gotta get home!

Buddy Jones: Yeh, I know, your father is waiting
for you in the tool shed...that's right, you heard
right...our big prize tonite is fifty American
Dollars to the girl with the most exciting
mammalian protuberances...

Mary: Here I am!

Buddy Jones: ...as viewed through a thoroughly
soaked, stupid looking white sort of male person's
conservative kind of middle-of-the-road COTTON
UNDERGARMENT! Whoopee! And here comes THE WATER!

Mary: EEEK!

Buddy Jones: No, you'd squeak more if the water
got on you...sounds like you just got an ice pick
in the forehead...AND HERE COMES THE ICE PICK IN
THE FOREHEAD ...a million laughs, Mary! Anyway;
good golly, what a mess...she's totally
soaked...yeh, totally committed to the fifty
bucks...That's it just step into the
spotlight...let the guys get a good look at ya
honey!

Mary: Here I am!

Buddy Jones: Whaddya say, fellas? Nice setta jugs?
Now Mary, how's about shakin' it around a
little...

Mary: Ooooh!

Buddy Jones: Oh my goodness, look at her go!

Mary: Oooh! I'm dancing! I'm dancing!

Buddy Jones: Ain't this what living is really all
about! Here's your fifty bucks Mary...

Mary: Oh great! Now I can go home!

Buddy Jones: Home is where the heart is.

Mary: On the bus.
Lyrics: Wet T-Shirt Nite, Frank Zappa [end]