The Dead Milkmen Cousin Earl Lyrics:
Now, you wanna talk about bladder problems, then
the man you wanna talk to will probably be my
cousin Earl. I guess you all know Earl; he lives
out on Route 13 out on that maggot farm. Earl
don't like it when you get his maggot farm
confused with a worm farm. A worm farm is for
worms, and a maggot farm is for maggots, and
Earl's got the biggest maggots in the state. Three
feet long. Of course, now Earl believes this might
be due to the fact that St. Smithen's Medical
Facility has been dumping their waste on his
property. Interesting thing about three-foot
maggots is that... that, well, one day the china
disappeared, and then the next day his television
disappeared, and then a few days after that, his
'57 Chevy disappeared. But there they are: the
world's biggest maggots.

Anyway, one day, Earl and I were standin' in the
kitchen, giant maggots crawlin' across the floor,
and Earl turns to me, and he says, "Do you
ever go to make a pork sausage, and find that it's
got hairs all over it?" and he gives me a
look that still chills me to this day.

Now, Earl's got a son, and they call him Earl
Junior, which I think is pretty clever, since he
is Earl's son. He's not really a normal boy, ever
since that tractor accident. Anyway, he ran up
$5,000 worth of "976-" phone bills. He
called weird, unnatural numbers, like
"976-PIGG" with two G's, and
"976-SHEEP", which has five letters in
it, I know. He's a sick boy. Earl suggested that,
well, maybe I talk to him. So I went into his
bedroom, and I sat him down, but before I could
say a word, Earl Junior looked at me, and he said,
"Didja ever go to make a pork sausage, and
find it's got hairs all over it?" And he gave
me a look that still chills me to this day.

Now, Earl's got a daughter, and they call her
Effie-Sue. And Effie-Sue, she don't look so much
like a little girl, as she looks like a... a big
pile of fungus. Earl blames this, too, on the fact
that St. Smithen's Medical Facility has been
dumpin' on his maggot farm. And, I never had much
contact with Essie... Effie-Sue. Excuse me, I
don't even think that much of her to get her name
right. I never had much contact with her. She just
normallyjust sits on the couch like a little ball
of fungus and just... boils away. Well, one day,
she looked at me, and that little ball of fungus
opened its mouth (or what I guess was its mouth -
I'd hate to think what else it could be), and out
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of that orifice floated the words, "Didja
ever go to make a... a pork sausage and find it's
got hair all over it?", and then that... that
little pile of fungus gave me a look that chills
me to this day.

Now, Earl's got a wife, and we call her... Wife.
We don't know her name, because she's never really
said that much. For the longest time, we thought
she could only say two words, which were
"dog" and "pussy". We thought
that meant "dog" and "cat",
but then we found out that what she was really
trying to say was "dog-pussy", one big
hyphenated word, which doesn't come up much in
conversation, especially amongst Baptists. We
never heard her say anything other than that. You
know, she works down at... down at St. Smithen's
Medical Facility and Pork Sausage Distillery, got
a good-paying job there, although she only does
say those... well that one word. And we have heard
her say another thing once, but that was a long
time ago. We were sittin' around the house, and
she looked at me, and she said, "Do you ever
go to make a pork sausage, and find that it's got
hairs growin' all over it?", and she gave me
a look that chills me to this day.

Now, one day, Earl took his whole family fishin'
down in Miller's Creek. He took his wife, who
could only say "dog-pussy"; he took his
son, Earl Junior, who took the day off from
calling "976-" barnyard numbers; and he
took that little... that little ball of fungus
daughter, Effie-Sue, of his along with him. They
all got in a little boat and they started fishing.
Now St. Smithen's Medical Facility and Pork
Sausage Distillery has been known to dump their
stuff into Miller's Creek. All sorts of heinous
stuff, big barrels floatin' in the creek, with
little things on them that say "St. Smithen's
Medical Facility and Pork Sausage
Distillery". Anyway, Earl was fishing, and he
caught a wall-eyed bass, which had twenty-seven
eyes on it. It was a twenty-seven-eyed wall-eyed
bass. Earl looked at it, and decided, "Mmmm,
wouldn't this be good to eat!" So he took out
his knife to cut it open. But that fish looked up
at him, and it said, "Please, mister! Please,
don't eat me!" And Earl said, "But I'm
hungry! I'm hungry! I work on a maggot farm! My
wife can only say 'dog-pussy'! My daughter is a
pile of fungus! My son spent all of his college
money calling '976-' numbers! I have to eat
you!" And that fish said, "Please, don't
eat me, mister, please!" And he said, "I
have to! I have to!" So the fish said,
"Alright then, if you're gonna cut me open,
let me ask you one question: Didja ever go to eat
a pork sausage and find it's got hairs growin' all
over it?" And then, all twenty-seven eyes
stared back at Earl, and they stared back at his
wife who could only say "dog-pussy", and
they stared back at his weird "976-"
animal-calling son, and they stared back at
that... little pile of pus that passes for Earl's
daughter. And they gave them a look! All
twenty-seven eyes gave them a look! A look that
they will not forget until this very day! Oh, man!
Lyrics: Cousin Earl, The Dead Milkmen [end]