Aquarius!
There's travel in your future when your
tongue freezes to the back of a speeding bus
Fill that void in your life by playing
Whack-A-Mole seventeen hours a day

Pisces!
Try to avoid any Virgos or Leos... with the Ebola virus
You are the true Lord of the Dance,
no matter what those idiots at work say

Aries!
The look on your face will be priceless
when you find that forty-pound watermelon in your colon
Trade toothbrushes with an albino dwarf and give a hickey to Meryl Streep

Taurus!
You will never find tru happiness -
whatcha gonna do, cry about it?
The stars predict tomorrow you'll wake up,
do a bunch of stuff, and then go back to bed.

That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today)
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today)
That's your horoscope for today

Gemini!
Your birthday party will be ruined once again by your explosive flatulence
Your love life will run into trouble
when your fiancée hurls a javelin through your chest

Cancer!
The position of Jupiter says you should spend the rest of the week face down in the mud
Try not to shove a roll of duct tape up your nose while taking your driver's test

Leo!
Now is not a good time to photocopy your butt
and staple it to your boss's face, oh no
Eat a bucket of tuna-flavored pudding,
then wash it down with a gallon of strawberry Quik

Virgo!
All Virgos are extremely friendly and intelligent - except for you
Expect a big surprise today when you wind up with your head impaled upon a stake.

Find more similar lyrics on http://mp3lyrics.com/TYmmThat's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today)
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today)
That's your horoscope for today

Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very
least a bit unlikely that the relative position of
the planets and the stars could have a special
deep significance or meaning that exclusively
applies to only you, but let me give you my
assurance that these forecasts and predictions are
all based on solid, scientific, documented
evidence, so you would have to be some kind of
moron not to realize that every single one of them
is absolutely true. Where was I?

Libra!
A big promotion is just around the corner
for someone much more talented that you
Laughter is the very best medicine,
remember that when your appendix bursts next week

Scorpio!
Get ready for an unexpected trip -
when you call screaming from an open window
Work a little harder on improving your low self-esteem, you stupid freak

Sagittarius!
All your friends are laughing behind your back... KILL THEM
Take down all those naked pictures of Ernest Borgnine you've got hanging in your den

Capricorn!
The stars say that you're an exciting and wonderful person,
but you know they're lying
If I were you, I'd lock my doors and windows
and never never never never never leave my house again

That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today)
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today)
That's your horoscope for today

That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today)
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today (yay-yay-yay)
That's your horoscope for today